Miscarriage

Generally, I try to keep my blog a happy place and not burden all of my lovely followers with my junk but I had an epiphany today. Some of my favorite posts by other bloggers have been ones where they open up and share what is really going on and I am comforted when I read about their "junk" because I know I'm not the only one. Based on that thought I have decided to share some of my struggles with the hope that if anyone else out there is feeling similar that they know they are not alone.

I have been feeling sad recently about the miscarriage I suffered over the summer. Sometimes I am just plain mad. When I read back through my posts about it I am really mad. Why did I feel like I had to play down the situation? Why didn't I just let myself grieve? If I had not miscarried  I would be approximately 25 weeks now. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of loss. Sometimes I feel afraid. 

I need to write these words on a bunch of post its and put them all around my house because my emotions can be very overwhelming at times. If you have suffered a miscarriage, know that you are not along. And if you need someone to talk to please feel free to email me. (sara.stofferahn[at]gmail[dot]com)

So if I owe you something like an email or blog button or whatever- it's coming. My heart is heavy and I am working at a slower pace these days. 

♥

The End of the Road

Here we are at my final (phew) doctors appointment after the saga that has been the last month. Ha! Talk about total dorks. We were both sneakily taking pictures of and  then sending them to one another. I thought I'd just give a little wrap up to cap the whole thing off.

According to my doctor I am a'ok. My tiny incisions have healed nicely, I am feeling pretty much 100% (today was an exceptionally good day) and things can go back to normal now. Apparently even though I am down to only one Fallopian tube my chances of getting pregnant again have not been affected. I have been told that the other tube will simply pick up the left ovaries eggs and deliver them on schedule. Amazing how the human body works, isn't it? There is one thing that I think I should say a little more about...

I did in fact have a miscarriage. I think because of this fact most people approach me with great care expecting me to be very emotional. I was emotional at the beginning of May while I was going through the whole "will I or won't I" going to miscarry phase. That ended mid May when I was told that I had indeed miscarried. And while I grieved the loss, it was not devastating. Because I found out I was pregnant and miscarrying on the same day I never had that sense of elation that would then lead to devastation. I was also only about 5 weeks pregnant when I was told (incorrectly) that I had miscarried. If I had carried the baby for several months I'm sure the whole situation would have been much worse. But now I mostly feel gratitude. I am grateful first and foremost to still be here and also to have this whole traumatic event behind me. Sometimes I feel like I should be sad, especially when people ask me how I'm coping but I am honestly doing well. I am so thankful that God's plan is for me to be here with my family.

Lilly enjoying a meal brought to us by a friend.

I also want to say thank you to everyone who has offered kind words and condolences. I sincerely appreciate every one of you. 

♥

ps- if you have no idea what I'm talking about you can find out more here. 

pps- I just realized that I accidentally deleted my recovery outfit post! That was one of my most favorite silly things. :(

The Full Story

I'll start with a warning. I'm going to get detailed here. So if you are not comfortable with medical deets then just move along. Here's the full story...

This whole thing started in the beginning of May. I had been on what I thought was my period for almost two weeks so I went to the doctors. She told me that I was pregnant but most likely miscarrying. According to the gynecologist miscarriage in the first few weeks of pregnancy is pretty common (approx 1 in 3) but most women don't realize they were pregnant to begin with so it is not well documented.

 Around the middle of May, after a few ultrasounds and several blood tests, it was determined that I had in fact miscarried. But the doc wanted me to keeping coming back for blood tests until there was no sign of the pregnancy hormone in my system. Well, turns out the pregnancy hormone did not go down, it sky rocketed. While this was happening (and before I knew) I had some pretty intense cramping. From what I read about miscarriages cramping is just part of the deal. It is how you pass the tissue. The pain was somewhere between intense menstrual cramps and contractions. I experienced three rounds of the intense cramping. The first round of cramps wasn't that bad. The second round really sucked and my stomach muscles were super sore the next day. It felt like I had really overdone it at the gym. I couldn't even stand up straight but the pain didn't last long so I didn't think much of it. The third round was on Tuesday night and was by far the worst. It came on very suddenly and all I could do is walk and focus on my breathing or sit on the side of the tub and rock back and forth. If you read my pregnancy story you'll remember that I didn't actually experience any labor pains but I imagined that it felt similar to this.

The next day was not so good either. I felt after effects similar to the second round but to a higher degree. I had trouble walking, standing up straight, sitting, getting up. Everything hurt but I thought it was just due to the extreme pain from the previous night. (I was wrong.) Luckily Ben had the day off so I tried to relax. I even went and got my hair done in the morning.

I decided to take a nap when I got home. During my nap my phone kept buzzing and I tried to ignore it until about the 3rd time. It was my doc and she said that my hormones were going up not down and that I needed to go to the hospital to get a stat blood test, meaning I would get the results in a few hours instead of a few days. We dropped Lilly with my sister-in-law and headed to the hospital. We met with another doctor from my group who was at the hospital at the time. I explained to her what had happened the night before and told her that I was still not feeling well. She ordered an ultrasound just to check things out. When the ultrasound screen turned on my doctor and the tech gasped. Not a great sign. She said there was a lot of fluid in my pelvis (blood) and that it was most likely a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg implants in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus. And, if not taken care of, grows until it is too big for the space and basically explodes the tube. Turns out that wasn't normal cramping I had felt.

The next few hours were a blur of phone calls and surgery prep. I had a procedure called a laparoscopy which is a minimally invasive surgery where they cut 3 small holes in my belly. Through these holes they sucked out the blood and removed the blown out tube. It was a really weird experience because it's considered outpatient surgery so I could have gone home the same day if the surgery was in the morning but since it was evening/emergency surgery it felt more traumatic. I was completely put under and had to have my stomach pumped while I was out. (They prefer to wait 8 hours after you've eaten for surgery but they didn't think they had that much time.) I had a breathing tube, a catheter and two IVs.

The only other time I have been put completely under was when I had my wisdom teeth removed and that time I talked about Little House on the Prairie when the drugs started to take effect. This time I talked about the last time I had been knocked out... So both of my knock out surgeries include LHOTP now....

I don't even remember Ben leaving the prep room and felt like I was only out for a minute when they were waking me up. Talk about crazy. They brought Ben into see me, removed my catheter (luckily I was still out when they removed the breathing tube) and took me to my recovery room. A few of my friends (who went against my request of no visitors) and my pastor waited with Ben during the surgery so they came to say hi. I'm glad they came and that Ben wasn't alone. I was just so afraid to see the fear I felt in others faces. That is why I didn't want visitors before surgery. 

After surgery I felt way better. The bleeding I had been experiencing for almost a month had mostly stopped too. I slept, had a yummy breakfast, journaled and played lots of PVZ.

Before everything went down I was in a very loosely controlled state of panic. The worst part was thinking that if thing didn't go well that I would never see my little girl again. (I'm tearing up now even just admitting this!) Both my c-section and this surgery were at Winnie Palmer Hospital for Women and Babies and I have to say it was a great experience (aside from the fact that I had to have surgery, of course). They were kind, thorough and in this last case saved my life. I feel very lucky blessed. I can honestly say from the depths of my heart thank God I am alive and that my doctors noticed that something was wrong and that I can hold my little girl again (while sitting, no lifting yet).

And the silver lining: now I get a few days to just play online and knit! Almost makes this whole thing worthwhile. (yeah, right.)

♥

edit: I just re-read this post. Today is May 3, 2012. I realize that I failed to mention that during the laprascopy they removed the exploded tube, the blood AND the deceased fetus. It makes me sad that I was in such denial about what had happened that I didn't even think to mention the baby.