Just a mom.

Can I make a confession?  Some days I struggle with just being a mom. There are so many thoughts/ideas/plans swirling around in my head that I want to do now.

Some are little: crafts to make, things to learn, pictures to take.

Some are boring: nails to paint, food to eat, laundry to clean.

Some are big and exciting: trips to take, collaborations to make.

But for now most of these things are on hold because there is always someone who needs their mommy. And even though my pride urges me to pursue my selfish desires I know in my heart of hearts that I would rather be here to kiss scraped knees and tickle little toes. I know a time will come when I have all the free time I could want. And I'm told I will miss them terribly. Today I will just be their mommy and maybe after they go to bed I can paint my nails.

♥

snap shots

More Birthday Pictures!

 Because I know that is how we all want to start our Tuesday. Happy Birthday Pictures! It was such a good day. 

 

 

Today is Lillian's first day of pre-school so I need all the happy I can look at. More on that later.

♥

Choosing Happiness

A beautiful rose from our walk in the park.

Guess why I smile a lot? Because it's worth it. - Marcel The Shell

Last Thursday was the first day that Lilly, Rosie and I were alone. Just the three of us. Ben's mom stayed with us for the for two weeks after my cesarean and was so helpful. But Wednesday night she went back to MN and that was that. 

Thursday started out pretty smoothly- Ben went in late to work so I could sleep in a bit and get ready for the day. After he left I took Lilly and Rosie to the park. Things went less smoothly there. Lilly did a mediocre job listening. Rosie cried about 50-60% of the time. I'm pretty sure there was at least one person crying for most of the day. But you know what, it wasn't bad. In fact I wouldn't trade it for the world. I knew it wouldn't be all rainbows and kittens with a toddler and a newborn and it certainly isn't. But I am choosing happiness. When I am awake to watch the sun rise, I am choosing to be thankful. When I am exhausted and hungry I choose to be grateful. I have two beautiful and healthy daughters. What do I have to complain about?! (well- I do complain a bit which you already know if you follow me on twitter. but nobody's perfect)

The point is that this is just a phase. There are so many of them in life. Times when we feel beat down, exhausted or overwhelmed but it is just a season. And a time will come when we don't even remember the things that made us feel bad. I have been looking back on Lillian's new born days with stars in my eyes even though I KNOW I was very lost during that time. And I will do the same thing with Rosie... eventually.

I'm determined to keep my head up and be thankful for this precious and fleeting time in my life. The newborn phase. le sigh.

♥

ps- I hope you choose happiness too. It's worth it.

rage monster

These past few days have been rough for me. Lilly developed a little cold on Wednesday and -you know- I'm in my third trimester. It's a recipe for disaster. Wednesday was ok. Thankfully, Ben was off and shouldered the load for me. I woke up feeling unrested and achy (and emotional) so I was achy and crying most of the day. (On a side note: I don't know how you single mamas do it. God bless each and every one of you. I would lose my mind.) Thursday I woke up ready to tackle the day and feeling confident that I could deal with the ungodly creature that is a sick two year old. My patience held for the morning (we went to the park) but began to fade at nap time (or lack there of). By the time Ben came home I was feeling a little slap happy. 

And then there's today. You know how in the hulk movies Bruce Banner always says "You're making me angry! And you don't want to see me angry." That was me today. A crazy pregnant lady and a sick toddler are not a good match. I satiated the rage monster with a grande frappuccino (judge me) and have spent a lot of time praying and meditating on this bit of advice from Jordan May you see what lies ahead as obedience to the master – not a sacrifice to what you thought would be your life – for in obedience we see the beauty of who we are to truly be.

Part of the problem is that some days (like today) my ambition gets the best of me. There are so many things I want to do with my time, with this space, with my knitting, with my house and my life- but I am a mother first. I need to put my ambition aside (at least until nap time) and love my daughter the way she needs to be loved. I need to remember that when the kids are grown and I am left with an empty nest I will long for these days (right?).  

Anyway- here are some cute pictures from the park. Thanks for letting me get all that off my chest. 

ps- these gardenias smelled so amazing that I just about dug up the whole bush and brought it home. Too bad plant theft is discouraged in today's society.

♥

Thoughts

.... what day is it? Seriously.

These past few weeks have been such a blur. I have so much to say and nothing to say at the same time. Ha. For now I'll just share a few of my thoughts:

- I really need to working on loving Lillian better. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 has been on my mind a lot recently. "Love is patient. Love is kind"... oh... 

- I am so thankful my MIL is in town. She is such a big help to us. 

- We have almost settled name for the new baby. Very exciting.

- The price of maternity clothes. $40 for a pair of jeans I'll only wear for 3 more months?!?! um. no.

- There is a pretty sweet giveaway coming tomorrow. :)

Hope you are having a good week friends!

♥

Me and my girl

Zzxxxscccdxdcsdscsdxdssbnhghyyyyg  5t4 zh tgtgreedewezaaszxxzzzzZ

^^^^^^^^^^^^

From Lilly.

♥

Currently.

ok- so this pic is from a week or so ago but I am currently wearing the same white tank.

I stole this from Dani (again). It is seriously one of my favorite posts. I would love to do one of these a month. Hopefully I can remember...

- obsessing over: The Hunger Games. I really wish I could say something more mature then that but I can't. Honesty at it finest (and most embarrassing). I literally cannot stop thinking about the books. When I get into a series I can't help obsessing over character motivation and unexplained parts (I mean did Peeta kill that girl when he was with the tributes or not??!? Foxface was attributed as his first kill so he must have lied before...? Arg!) I have watched the trailer for the movie about 30 thousand times. Yep. Obsessed. 

- working on: perfecting a pattern for smaller stuffed animals. I follow a pattern I bought in a kit years ago for most of my toys but I would like to makes something a little bit smaller so I can make more the one a month! I tried to translate my knit pattern to crochet (gave up) and have tried the pattern with half the knit stitches but same proportions. Boy, does it look funny. Some tweaking is still needed for sure.

- thinking about: what I am going to name this little girl! Whenever I feel her move I want to call her by her name and not just "little girl" but I haven't come up with anything yet. I have a baby name book that I love but it is currently making its way back to me from being out on loan. I am so excited about giving her a name.

- eating: gum. It helps to keep me from snacking constantly which seems to be a theme of my pregnancy.

- wishing: it was mid-February. My MIL is coming to stay with us for two weeks. I am so excited. I know that is generally the opposite sentiment when it comes to mother-in-laws but I really do love mine. Plus, having someone with me and Lilly all day every day for two weeks. YES PLEASE. So excited.

What's going on with you?

♥

Beach Getaway (Image Heavy)

This weekend we got a chance to get out of town and jumped on it! I have wanted to have a little family time and to go to the beach for a while now. It was perfect. 

We spent lots of time resting and relaxing. We played on the beach a lot and ate a bunch of junk food. We found a sand dollar that was still alive! First living sand dollar I've ever encountered. We also saw some sting rays that my hubby practically chased through the water. If he wasn't fully dressed he probably would have dived in after them. It was a wonderful (and much needed) vacation.

Did you have a good weekend?

♥

Miscarriage

Generally, I try to keep my blog a happy place and not burden all of my lovely followers with my junk but I had an epiphany today. Some of my favorite posts by other bloggers have been ones where they open up and share what is really going on and I am comforted when I read about their "junk" because I know I'm not the only one. Based on that thought I have decided to share some of my struggles with the hope that if anyone else out there is feeling similar that they know they are not alone.

I have been feeling sad recently about the miscarriage I suffered over the summer. Sometimes I am just plain mad. When I read back through my posts about it I am really mad. Why did I feel like I had to play down the situation? Why didn't I just let myself grieve? If I had not miscarried  I would be approximately 25 weeks now. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of loss. Sometimes I feel afraid. 

I need to write these words on a bunch of post its and put them all around my house because my emotions can be very overwhelming at times. If you have suffered a miscarriage, know that you are not along. And if you need someone to talk to please feel free to email me. (sara.stofferahn[at]gmail[dot]com)

So if I owe you something like an email or blog button or whatever- it's coming. My heart is heavy and I am working at a slower pace these days. 

♥