Last Night

Yesterday was a long day. Ben had some work and social plans that I am very happy he had the opportunity to attend but he the occupied him all day. And by 8pm (Lilly's bed time) I was tired. She managed to make an amazing mess before bed (think dropping a mason jar full of crayons on the tile floor) but since I had already cleaned the house earlier in the day I did this instead...

unpacked my most recent target trip

had a little wine

let curious mr. gnome check out the potting soil

listened to HP&THBP

enjoyed my time with my new friends. 

Today I am going to play with my sweet friend, Jordan, and her little baby. Last week I helped her out with some photography stuff. Hopefully I will post a bit more about that later today. 

Mommyhood Monday // Yelling

Last week was not so great in the mommyhood department. Lillian has been flexing her ever growing independence muscles and my resilience has been slowly but surely wearing down. Well, on Thursday last it happened. I really lost my temper. I have been very close to losing my temper with Lillian before but it has always been at home so I can excuse myself to another room and calm down (pillow punch). But this time we were in the car. We were so close to home... here is what happened:

the calm before the storm.

We were headed home from the gym and Lillian asked (and asked and asked and asked) for some apple juice. I wanted to get some coffee also so I thought about stopping to get something. I went back and forth about whether to go to Starbucks or not. My budget conscious guilt was flaring up so I decided I could make coffee at home and that Lilly could have juice from home as well. When we were almost home (and Lilly was screaming and crying "No home! Apple juice!") I remembered that we had two redbox movies that had to be returned. I changed my plan. I could stop at home, get the redbox movies and drop them off at 7-eleven where we could go inside and get a more cost friendly frappuccino and juice box. Perfect! I got the movies, we went to 7-eleven and I opened Lilly's door to get her out. I started digging in the diaper bag first to get my wallet when it hit me. My wallet wasn't in there. I took it out yesterday for something and didn't put it back. Blerg. As you can probably imagine, Lilly didn't take to kindly to me not unstrapping her after I had promised apple juice and then closing her in the car. To make matters worse we had to drive past a chick-fil-a (another place that Lilly is used to getting juice boxes from) to get home. Lilly was throwing an almighty fit.  I wanted to get her apple juice (and myself coffee). That was the worst part. She is old enough to understand when I say "Yes, apple juice." but not "I forgot my wallet, I can't get it for you but I wish I could." After trying to calm her down and telling her that she could have some apple juice at home it happened. I slammed my clenched fist into the center console in the car and yelled "ENOUGH! NO MORE CRYING!" ugh.  She was silent for a minute then we both starting crying. I felt like a complete parental failure. 

When we got home I gave Lilly a juice box and put Barney on. I made myself some chocolate milk and had a much needed break. Thankfully Ben had the weekend off too so he spent a lot of time playing with our little love. I had lots of free time and even had some girl time which I am so grateful for. I think sometimes, as a parent (or just a person in general), we need to step back and take a break. Take a bubble bath or a nap. Have a warm cup of coffee or a cool mug of chocolate milk. And always remember this.

I am praying for a better week this week and cherishing the sweet bits in between the toddles moments. Remembering above all that He will never give me more then I can handle. 

ps- Do you have a good mommyhood story or piece of advice? Email me at the.prairie.hen[at]gmail[dot]com and be featured on Mommyhood Monday.

Baby Talk V.3

Here are some of my less then favorite things Lilly has picked up:

+ "OUCH!" This is usually yelled for varying lengths of time. I blame it on the fact that she watched the "Charlie bit me" video on YouTube. 

+ "HELP!" I don't exactly know where this came from. We have taught Lilly to use the word help when she needs it but the situation has never been screaming appropriate. It used to only be used on occasions when she couldn't get her snacks open or got stuck between the couch cushions but now it is used interchangeably with no.

Here is a fun example of why I'm not feeling these new phrases. We stopped at the park the other afternoon just to have a quick stroll before headed home for the evening. Upon parking Lillian Elouise decided that she wanted to play in the car instead. When I disagreed (I mean we didn't stop at the park to play in the car!) she started screaming "NO! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH! HEEEELLLLLLLLLLP!" and was fighting me as I held her arm. A woman in the parking lot looked very alarmed at the sight of us. As I imagined it from her point of view I was mortified. An awful woman (me) restraining a sweet little child who was obviously being beaten and held against her will. Thankfully, Lilly piped down (because she spotted some stairs. She loves stairs.) and we went on our way without any police involvement. 

Uff-da! I thought it was supposed to get easier when they started talking. 

PS- check out v.2 and v.1 for more baby fun.

Mommyhood Monday // Father's Day

Ben is a wonderful father. I feel so blessed that he is in our lives. It brings so much joy to my heart to see he and Lilly interact together. She loves him and he loves her. 

We had a good father's day. Ben had to work in the morning so it was just the girl and I. We ate breakfast and then hit up Target for a few things (to which she cries "no carget no carget") and then went to church. Ben got home a little early (woot) and got extra play time with Lilly before her bed time. We had a slow cooked bacon wrapped pork tenderloin for dinner (drool) and gave daddy his present: a new fancy iron. I know this sounds like a strange present but my hubby loves to iron. When we got married he registered for a fancy iron which we got so then he went out and bought me a cheap iron so I wouldn't have to use his fancy one. ha. 

On a side note: I have to call Ben "daddy" all the time now when Lillian is around. She heard me call him Ben once or twice and has started to use his name instead of daddy. I think its super funny. He does not agree. 

Anyway, over the weekend I read this post from Rachel over at letters to ames and it really resonated with me. This part in particular:

"There are few skills in the domestic world that are strictly maternal.Things like birth and breastfeeding, or supersonic hearing, or mother's intuition - these are forces of nature not to be challenged. Moms were simply made for these things. But bathing a baby? Doing the dishes? Changing a diaper? Even holding a baby? These are learned skills. Someone taught us these things - maybe our mothers, or a friend, or even a labor & delivery nurse. Anyone can learn how to do these things, no matter the gender or the age or the amount of previous experience. 

My point is, we shouldn't elevate ourselves to the point of making men feel incapable of caring for their own children. I've done this without even realizing it. One time, Ames fell down in front of Chris while they were playing. I rushed over to pick up my boy and comfort him. Chris stopped me and scooped him up. He said something along the lines of, "Don't do that. Let me handle this. I am his father." So simple. He is their father. It took the two of us to create them, and it's going to take the two of us to raise them. It's become clear to me that the more I intervene and take over, the more likely I am to push my husband away. In return, I will become bitter & resentful when he doesn't help out more. This will most certainly cause a rift in our parenting relationship, and the relationships he shares with our children - a rift that might become irreparable if it grows too wide."

How incredibly true this is? I know for a fact that I do this all the time. I become to anxious/nervous that something will happen to my baby that I don't want anyone (including Ben) to take care of her. Talk about trust issues. Not only am I not trusting Ben, or who ever else is caring for Lilly, but I am not trusting God either. No matter how much I love Lillian, He will always love her more. 

The point is that your child's father is just that, their father! They love them as much as you do and care about their safety as much as you do. Let's give dad some credit. *points finger at self*

Did you have a good father's day?

The End of the Road

Here we are at my final (phew) doctors appointment after the saga that has been the last month. Ha! Talk about total dorks. We were both sneakily taking pictures of and  then sending them to one another. I thought I'd just give a little wrap up to cap the whole thing off.

According to my doctor I am a'ok. My tiny incisions have healed nicely, I am feeling pretty much 100% (today was an exceptionally good day) and things can go back to normal now. Apparently even though I am down to only one Fallopian tube my chances of getting pregnant again have not been affected. I have been told that the other tube will simply pick up the left ovaries eggs and deliver them on schedule. Amazing how the human body works, isn't it? There is one thing that I think I should say a little more about...

I did in fact have a miscarriage. I think because of this fact most people approach me with great care expecting me to be very emotional. I was emotional at the beginning of May while I was going through the whole "will I or won't I" going to miscarry phase. That ended mid May when I was told that I had indeed miscarried. And while I grieved the loss, it was not devastating. Because I found out I was pregnant and miscarrying on the same day I never had that sense of elation that would then lead to devastation. I was also only about 5 weeks pregnant when I was told (incorrectly) that I had miscarried. If I had carried the baby for several months I'm sure the whole situation would have been much worse. But now I mostly feel gratitude. I am grateful first and foremost to still be here and also to have this whole traumatic event behind me. Sometimes I feel like I should be sad, especially when people ask me how I'm coping but I am honestly doing well. I am so thankful that God's plan is for me to be here with my family.

Lilly enjoying a meal brought to us by a friend.

I also want to say thank you to everyone who has offered kind words and condolences. I sincerely appreciate every one of you. 

ps- if you have no idea what I'm talking about you can find out more here
pps- I just realized that I accidentally deleted my recovery outfit post! That was one of my most favorite silly things. :(

Mommyhood Monday // Boundaries

We transitioned Lillian from her crib to a toddler bed almost two months ago. I didn't want to shut her in her room for several reasons so I left the door open and put a baby gate in the hall. I just felt like shutting the door was like trapping her (strange that I felt this considering she had been in a crib and behind a closed door for the first 18 months of her life). Let's just say my plan to give her a little freedom didn't go super well. (You can read more about it here.) After letting her cry it out and sleep in the hall for a while I was spent. Turns out when our parents said "This will hurt me more then it hurts you." they meant it. So one afternoon, when I couldn't take it anymore, I closed the door.

The change was immediate. When she had to freedom to go in and out of her room she would stand in the hall and cry for anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours! When I shut the door she cried for 0 to 10 minutes. She then chose to sleep on the floor right inside the door for a few days (and still does on occasion, like yesterday!) but finally completed the transition into her big girl bed. At night I typically read her a book (currently one of daddy's old books I am a bunny.) and sing to her for a little bit before putting her into her bed. Now she chooses to stay there. She will often sit up and say "night night" or smile as I shut the door. I thought giving her freedom was a good thing but it turns out the freedom was more then she could handle. Kids need parents to set boundaries for them because sometimes they can't make the best decision on their own. Heck, I still have decision anxiety every once and a while. Can someone set some boundaries for me please?

Kids need boundaries. Simple as that.


So for those of you who don't already know today is International Yarn Bombing Day! It was also the day of my first yarn bomb. I threw together some newly stitched hats and old headbands I had made a while back and took them to a local park.

It was such a rush! I was so excited/nervous. Last night I even dreamed about it. I dreamed that there were park rangers on bikes everywhere and that there was a festival in the park so I couldn't even get to the statues! haha. I'm such a nervous Nelly.

Happy IYBD! If you did any bombing today link it to me in the comments so I can see yours too.

Baby Talk V.2

My, oh my. Time seems to be flying by now with my little one. She is not so little anymore. She is becoming more independent and this mama is not so sure she is ready for it. Last night when Ben was going to read her a story and sing her a lullaby for bed time she simply climbed into her big girl bed and said "night night." No help needed from us. She can go to sleep just fine by herself, thank you very much. When Ben came out and told me what she did I burst into tears (thanks pain killers for my wonky emotional outbursts). Tonight I made sure to get my cuddle/story time in before they went to the bedroom... just in case.

Here are some new and cute things Lillian Elouise is saying these days:

1.) Peek-a-goo! (As in peek-a-boo, I see you!)
2.) i pay i pan? (I play iPad? The answer is usually no.)
3.) i num you. (num=love and melts my heart every time)
4.) oh my gosh! (Yep, not my fave)
5.) hold/help you? (She says this when she wants me to hold/help her but she just repeats what I say to her "Can I help you?" "Do you want me to hold you?"
6.) car wash (Ben took her through the car wash a few days ago and it really scared her but now it's all she talks about. So the other day we decided to go back and she how she felt about it. Videos below)

on the way to the car wash

at the car wash

ps- you can check out baby talk v.1 here.

10 random thing about me.

1. I love Vicks. A lot. I put it on my lips every night before I go to bed. I put it on the roof of my mouth when I have a tickle in my throat and on the bottom of my feet when I have a cough.

2. I have never been horse back riding. I was afraid of horses when I was young and have since grown out of that fear but the opportunity to ride one has never presented itself. 

Standing outside the Empire State Building. I lived on the same block.

3. I lived in New York City for almost exactly a year. I moved to NYC on August 6th 2004 and moved away on August 8th 2005.

4. I have never broken a bone. I have torn a ligament in my ankle and had to wear a cast for a while as a result. 

5. I have a big space between my big toe and the one next to it on both feet. The space is perfect for holding a bottle of nail polish. 

6. I am horrible at all things grammar and spelling related which I'm sure you've noticed if you have been reading this blog for any length of time.

I cry every time Christian runs up and hugs them in the video.

7. I love (love love love) big cats. When I was a kid I dreamed of becoming a handler for the lions at the zoo. Having a "Christian the Lion" experience would pretty much be a dream come true for me. 

8. I once played a video game called The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion for eight hours straight. I don't let myself play rpg anymore.

9. I can't seem to stop photographing flowers. 

10. I was supposed to be called Taylor (my middle name) and was until I went to kindergarten. There I met a little boy named Taylor, freaked out thinking I had a boys name and insisted that everyone call me Sara (my first name) instead.

I hope you enjoyed getting to know me a little better.

The Full Story

I'll start with a warning. I'm going to get detailed here. So if you are not comfortable with medical deets then just move along. Here's the full story...

This whole thing started in the beginning of May. I had been on what I thought was my period for almost two weeks so I went to the doctors. She told me that I was pregnant but most likely miscarrying. According to the gynecologist miscarriage in the first few weeks of pregnancy is pretty common (approx 1 in 3) but most women don't realize they were pregnant to begin with so it is not well documented.

 Around the middle of May, after a few ultrasounds and several blood tests, it was determined that I had in fact miscarried. But the doc wanted me to keeping coming back for blood tests until there was no sign of the pregnancy hormone in my system. Well, turns out the pregnancy hormone did not go down, it sky rocketed. While this was happening (and before I knew) I had some pretty intense cramping. From what I read about miscarriages cramping is just part of the deal. It is how you pass the tissue. The pain was somewhere between intense menstrual cramps and contractions. I experienced three rounds of the intense cramping. The first round of cramps wasn't that bad. The second round really sucked and my stomach muscles were super sore the next day. It felt like I had really overdone it at the gym. I couldn't even stand up straight but the pain didn't last long so I didn't think much of it. The third round was on Tuesday night and was by far the worst. It came on very suddenly and all I could do is walk and focus on my breathing or sit on the side of the tub and rock back and forth. If you read my pregnancy story you'll remember that I didn't actually experience any labor pains but I imagined that it felt similar to this.

The next day was not so good either. I felt after effects similar to the second round but to a higher degree. I had trouble walking, standing up straight, sitting, getting up. Everything hurt but I thought it was just due to the extreme pain from the previous night. (I was wrong.) Luckily Ben had the day off so I tried to relax. I even went and got my hair done in the morning.

I decided to take a nap when I got home. During my nap my phone kept buzzing and I tried to ignore it until about the 3rd time. It was my doc and she said that my hormones were going up not down and that I needed to go to the hospital to get a stat blood test, meaning I would get the results in a few hours instead of a few days. We dropped Lilly with my sister-in-law and headed to the hospital. We met with another doctor from my group who was at the hospital at the time. I explained to her what had happened the night before and told her that I was still not feeling well. She ordered an ultrasound just to check things out. When the ultrasound screen turned on my doctor and the tech gasped. Not a great sign. She said there was a lot of fluid in my pelvis (blood) and that it was most likely a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy is when the fertilized egg implants in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus. And, if not taken care of, grows until it is too big for the space and basically explodes the tube. Turns out that wasn't normal cramping I had felt.

The next few hours were a blur of phone calls and surgery prep. I had a procedure called a laparoscopy which is a minimally invasive surgery where they cut 3 small holes in my belly. Through these holes they sucked out the blood and removed the blown out tube. It was a really weird experience because it's considered outpatient surgery so I could have gone home the same day if the surgery was in the morning but since it was evening/emergency surgery it felt more traumatic. I was completely put under and had to have my stomach pumped while I was out. (They prefer to wait 8 hours after you've eaten for surgery but they didn't think they had that much time.) I had a breathing tube, a catheter and two IVs.

The only other time I have been put completely under was when I had my wisdom teeth removed and that time I talked about Little House on the Prairie when the drugs started to take effect. This time I talked about the last time I had been knocked out... So both of my knock out surgeries include LHOTP now....

I don't even remember Ben leaving the prep room and felt like I was only out for a minute when they were waking me up. Talk about crazy. They brought Ben into see me, removed my catheter (luckily I was still out when they removed the breathing tube) and took me to my recovery room. A few of my friends (who went against my request of no visitors) and my pastor waited with Ben during the surgery so they came to say hi. I'm glad they came and that Ben wasn't alone. I was just so afraid to see the fear I felt in others faces. That is why I didn't want visitors before surgery. 

After surgery I felt way better. The bleeding I had been experiencing for almost a month had mostly stopped too. I slept, had a yummy breakfast, journaled and played lots of PVZ.

Before everything went down I was in a very loosely controlled state of panic. The worst part was thinking that if thing didn't go well that I would never see my little girl again. (I'm tearing up now even just admitting this!) Both my c-section and this surgery were at Winnie Palmer Hospital for Women and Babies and I have to say it was a great experience (aside from the fact that I had to have surgery, of course). They were kind, thorough and in this last case saved my life. I feel very lucky blessed. I can honestly say from the depths of my heart thank God I am alive and that my doctors noticed that something was wrong and that I can hold my little girl again (while sitting, no lifting yet).

And the silver lining: now I get a few days to just play online and knit! Almost makes this whole thing worthwhile. (yeah, right.)

edit: I just re-read this post. Today is May 3, 2012. I realize that I failed to mention that during the laprascopy they removed the exploded tube, the blood AND the deceased fetus. It makes me sad that I was in such denial about what had happened that I didn't even think to mention the baby.